I don’t know why I do this to myself. I just watched most of two episodes of The Biggest Loser, season 2. Hell, I even know who won that season.

(Side note: *GASP* Why is Caroline Rhea not hosting this season?! TRAVESTY! We <3 Caroline!)

(As another side note, I’m not as depressed and cranky now as I was when I started this entry a few hours ago. Gods bless Kathy Griffin. I caught up on a couple of episodes (that I still left on my DVR, since Julian at least needs to come watch. GAYVN awards and London. Julian, you’ll love them. Other people can come watch, too.) and laughed and cried and got a bit more knitting done.)
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As promised, here’s some pix of the progress of the baby blanket!
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How’re things in my world? Let’s take a look, shall we?

• I downloaded (well, Julian downloaded and emailed me) PHP & MySQL for Dummies so that I might learn how to deal with them. Only, not so much. I know it says ‘for Dummies’, but that’s exactly how it’s making me feel. Can anyone suggest an alternative to this? I’d really like to learn, but I’m feeling especially dumb lately.
• I’m considering avoiding the net from Friday afternoon until I’m done reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, since there’s bound to be more spoilers online, even if people don’t mean to. I know that there are several people on my flist who adamantly refuse to either learn how to use an LJ-cut, or just can’t be bothered to do it. I’ve had plenty of TV shows and movies ruined for me that way, and I won’t have this ruined for me.
• On Tuesday, Julian and I leave for Starwood. I’ll be facilitating the Stitch ‘n’ Bitch in the Faerie Woods (the ‘gay’ part of Starwood), and doing a workshop on Transgendered People in the Pagan Community. On one hand, I’m petrified about it, but on the other, I’ve got very unique spiritual experience in this light. Most people haven’t ever been in circle with even one trans person. I’ve been in circles with both MTF and FTM. Hell, I knew one particular MTF before she started her transition. Hm. Must try to get ritual from HPS to present at Starwood as well. Hmmmmmm. Should probably get some permissions, too. Yeah. You know who you are; expect an email soon.
• Pre-ordered my copy of Jeffrey Altergott‘s new album Don’t Be A Stranger, due out August 18. CAN’T WAIT CAN’T WAIT CAN’T WAIT! It needs to be here soon. By Monday would be good. That way we can listen on the way to Starwood.
• I’m almost done with the first ball of yarn on the Baby Blanket. It’s so friggin’ pretty. I love the way the pattern looks (yes, I’ll post pictures soon — probably right before I join. Hell, maybe I’ll do a knitting photo post tonight), and I ADORE the color. I’m making it in mint green, and I plan to include a note to Charlie saying, “Someday, ask Mommy why your blankie is green. Make sure Daddy is there to keep Mommy honest about why green is better than everything else.” I can almost hear the choking from Chicago now. *mwah* Love you, Di!
• I’m crazy addicted to MaryJanice Davidson‘s writing at the moment. And I blame Linda Helene for getting Leon into them. So much fun, but soooooooo much fluff. And I have a stack of other books to read. I need to make more time to read, too.
• Life with a Wii is sucking my time up. Seriously. Wii Sports, Wii Play and Mario Party 8. Who knew that three games could take up so much time?!

I think that’s about it at this point. More later, as the world revolves around me more.

Melissa showed me a fabulous new plug-in for my blog. Let’s see if it works, shall we?

Most times, I’m a bitch. It’s a huge defense mechanism. I put up a thorny wall of broken glass and razor wire to keep most people from getting too close, including very good friends. That wall cuts two ways, though. Because most people only see the wall and don’t look past the wall, they don’t see the person behind that wall. They don’t see that I get my feelings hurt very easily. Hell, most people don’t see my feelings at all.

Lately, I’ve been trying to change that bitchy facade. It’s not easy. I’ve been in Bitch mode for so long (about 10 years now — since I started doing drag) that it’s difficult to turn off. And when I do succeed in turning it off, people don’t recognize it, which turns it back on as soon as they make one bitchy comment to me, and the whole cycle starts over again.

I tend to get my feelings hurt very easily, especially when I’ve got two or three people ganging up on me. My biggest problem is that I don’t know how to tell my friends to stop, or how to make it clear to them that they’re reaching or passing the line from teasing to hurtful to bullying. I’m one person. Yes, I’m abrasive, yes, I’m bitchy, yes, I’ve got a sharp tongue and yes, I know I cross lines, too. I’m also trying to change that. Sometimes it feels like I’m not going to get that chance.

• Start reading PHP & MySQL for Dummies (currently printing). Learn how it works.
• Come up with a possible re-design for the Spiral Rhythm website. This is a project I’ll do for free, just to work up my skills, and because it’s a site that needs a pretty big overhaul. And it’s a band that I care a LOT about. Which is another reason I’ll do it for free. If they want to reward me with CDs, I win.
• Create a MySQL database for the books in the Temple for Green Faerie Grove. There are approximately seventeen billion books in there, set up with no rhyme or reason, and no catalog as to what’s in there. This will be a project that will be easy to create, easy to maintain and make everything in the Temple Library so much easier to get to. Much with the happy-making. It will also be online for ease of access to Grove members.
• Knit. Knit like the wind. (See the list on the left.) Make Diane, Melissa and Mom happy. Get new socks for me. Start the shawl for Lisa. Finish Theo’s poncho. Finish my sweater and another pair of socks for me. Come up with a way to get the yarn for my Rogue.

Oy. My life. I swear. So much to do, so little time to do it.

So, yes, I’ve been conspicuously quiet lately. I find that I’ve got very little to say lately. I went to PSG and got a few cosmic messages, so I’m trying to sort through them, which is where the bulk of my energy is going right at this point. My life is hectic and in some pretty big upheaval right now, and I’m really not liking it. I realize that that’s a side effect of my second degree initiation with JaguarMoon on June 26. My emotions are completely unstable, and my thoughts and actions seem to be more and more scattered every day. The ‘power surge’ I got from the ritual is frying my circuits, and if I don’t get it under control soon, I’m going to have a total meltdown. Couple all of that with the break-in of our car last week, and that makes for a pretty crazed Jeremy. I realized last night and this morning that I’m taking a lot of it out on my friends, and I’m going to try to control it a bit better, and actually learn when too much is too much and how to watch what I’m saying and how I’m saying it. It won’t be easy, but it needs to be done. I’m even getting to be too much of a bitch for me.