It seems that my whole world lately is summed up lately by this simple phrase: I don’t give a fuck.  No, nothing happened.  I’m just not finding any joy in life at all lately.  And I’m more and more often finding myself pulling myself back from destroying joy for other people, too.

I have no motivtion at all.  There are things I’d love to do, but I don’t have the slightest idea how to make those things come to life.

I want to open a metaphysical shop with a coffee bar and teaching rooms in it, one that’s friendly to everyone who walks in the door, not just women (sorry, <i>womyn</i>) and/or people who the owners have known for years.  I’m severely tired of being looked at with great suspicion when I walk into either store, just because I have a penis.

I want to go back to school, but I have no idea what for, or where, or how I’m going to be able to afford to do so.  Comparitive Studies in Religion would be awesome, and get me on track for my M.Div, but OSU is prohibitively expensive and they’re the only ones with the course.  That’s really the only thing that I feel passionately enough about to do anything with.

I’m really tired of moving, and I’m tired of feeling like I’m relying on other peoples’ charity and good faith.  I want a house of our own, one that I can do with what I want.

I don’t know what to do anymore.  I feel helpless and, most times, I also feel hopeless.  I’m sick to death of being dirt poor.  I grew up dirt poor, and it seems that there’s no way to break that cycle.  Living paycheck-to-paycheck, barely able to pay bills let alone have some “spreadin’ around money”, is wearing me out faster than anything else.  I just don’t …  I don’t know what I don’t know anymore.

There’s a line from Independence Day that keeps running through my head.

“We will not go quietly into the night!” We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive!

There’s more to it, but that’s the part that keeps playing. This fight need to continue, loudly, until the institutionalized segregation and discrimination ends. Yes, I’m “free to marry a member of the opposite sex, just like everyone else in the country.” That’s not. Fucking. Good enough.

Today’s decision about Prop (H)8 will not be the end of this fight. The lawyers for the GLBT population in California will fight this. It will head to the Supreme Court. They may or may not decide to hear it. I can’t even hazard a guess as to what they’ll do. I’m praying that they’ll hear it and rule against it and declare it unconstitutional, much like their decision on Lawrence v. Texas. At that point, will all the other states who have bigoted, hate-filled, discriminatory amendments and laws have to change them? Yes, I think they probably will.

I would love nothing more than to see the word “marriage” become something that is relegated to religious institutions. I would love to see everyone be able to get a civil union, and have to go before a judge. If you want to go through the religious ceremony, do it. The one that counts legally is the one before the judge.

Fuck, WHY AREN’T MORE PAGANS OUTRAGED AT THIS?? More importantly, where is the pagan-rights advocacy group, Lady Liberty League? (Oh, that’s right, they’re resting on their laurels from two years ago, the Pentacle Quest. Because homos don’t matter.) The MORMON MOTHERFUCKING CHURCH bankrolled this piece of shit legislation that dictates how our religion functions. MY deities and tradition say that a handfasting is between two people who love one another, not a man and a woman. My religious practices are being curtailed, being restricted. This is unacceptable and unconstitutional. Because, kids, the US Constitution overrules the State Constitutions.

On his Facebook today, my friend Don asked where all the outrage was in 2006 when Ohio residents amended their constitution to not even allow domestic partner registries. If Prop 8 had been overturned today, would all of those protesters in California fight their way eastward to help overturn those indignities? In a perfect world, yes. This is far from a perfect world. Oh, don’t get me wrong, some of them would; those people would include my friends, because they know that I would kick their asses if they didn’t. The vast majority, though, probably wouldn’t. And that fucking sucks.

I’m pretty sure that a gay community is a fallacy, something that we like to tell ourselves exists. It would be better described as a gay population made up of smaller communities. We don’t play well together, and that seriously needs to change. If we don’t stand up and fight, shoulder to shoulder, as one cohesive unit, well, then, kids? It’s done. We might as well give up now.

I’m not willing to do that. Are you?