1. It’s the 21st century, for god’s sake. Get a picture. Kinko’s is open 24/7 and it costs about 12 cents to get a photo scanned. This especially holds true if you are in Silicon Valley. To tell me that you don’t know anyone with a digital camera or a scanner or the location of a Kinko’s, um, get out from under the rock.
2. If you don’t have a pic, say that. Don’t use the excuses of “I’m discreet”, “My computer isn’t sending correctly”, or “I don’t know how” (WTF?!).
3. If your pictures are so dark that they’re almost black, for the love of god, either learn to use Photoshop or find someone who knows how.  There’s a reason that you have pictures. It’s to show off to other people.  If they can’t see you, they’re just going to ignore you and probably mock you.
4. Let me end the conversation early on before my bullshit-o-meter goes to ‘Time For Sarcasm’ and I make you cry.
5. If it is in your screen name, for fuck’s sake show it. If your screen name is BigOlFuckHole do not post a pic of you in a business suit having lunch. We want to see your ass. If you screen name had the word hung, big dick, top or anything to do with your cock, then let’s see it. If your screen name is boxersboy, why post a pic of you in briefs? That is just plain stupid.
6. When you try to decide which pic to post, don’t pick the one of you with a group of people. Don’t pick the one of you and a full view of Mount Everest. Don’t make the pic 10 pixels by 12 pixels, dumbass. We want to see YOU, not your friends, not the scenery, not what you look like after shrinking. We’re trying to figure out if we want to fuck you, not your friends or the landscape.
7. If you’re going to use gay.com to find friendship and conversation, don’t post a picture of you just wearing boxer-briefs with your hand inside them. Conversely, if you do post that picture, don’t be shocked when people message you for sex.
8. Attention all you little white gayboys out there: You just look stupid if you’re flashing gang signs in a gay.com profile pic. Stop.  Also, you with the sideways ball cap and low cut jeans and the snarl. Your butch persona has now been totally destroyed due to your Sanrio shrine in the background. Hello Kitty just does not go with your outfit.
9. If you’re gonna take naked pix of yourself, do NOT flash gang signs while you’re doing it.  It just makes you look stupid, no matter your ethnicity.  Really.  You don’t look tough with your bald chest, buddha belly, stretch marks and gang signs. You look ridiculous.
10. The word and agreement is TRADE.  That means I send a pic, you send a pic. If you’re going to be a dick about it, don’t waste my fucking time. Keep your end of the fucking bargain.
11. When we’re discussing trading pictures, be clear on what you want. If you’re going to send me 10 naked pictures of yourself, and I didn’t ask you to- you’re not allowed to get pissy when I refuse to reciprocate. You may be liberated with your dick pictures, but not all of us care to share with the world.
12. Regarding Mad Photoshop Skillz:  We want to know what YOU look like, not the inside of your head.  Knock of the ‘negative’ images, the ‘embossed’ images, the ‘I’m an pseudo-artsy fag’ images.  If it’s genuinely cool, go for it.  If it’s supposed to look like your pic was carved out of stone, don’t bother.
13. On the other hand, if you scan a picture and then don’t crop it down so that it’s not 90% white space, we will mock you.
14. OK, we know you think your pets/kids are cute, but this IS a gay site… and it just looks wrong when you have a picture of them right next to your huge, throbbing cock.
15. If you have the words Hot, Stud, or VGL in your profile and/or screenname, take it out. Now. It needs to be voted on by a committee of your peers. Sometimes, you will be able to put the word back in there. Most times, though, you won’t though. Sorry.
16. If you are allowed by the committee to keep the word in your profile and/or screenname, you must have a picture. If you don’t, either lose the word or see Rule #1.
17. Escorts — Most times, you don’t deserve to be. Get over yourselves.
18. Just because you’re 19 doesn’t mean that everyone wants you. If you don’t think that you’re gonna get “old” (and 30 is not old) then you’re in for a very rude awakening. You might have a lot to learn, both physically and mentally, from someone older than the age of 22. Those of us who have been there aren’t stupid. Most times, wisdom truly does come with age (not always, though, unfortunately). Learn to recognize it. If you’re 24, guess what? 28 isn’t that far away.
19. If you’re above the age of 29, take the “Boi” or “Boy” out of your screen name. It doesn’t work for you. End of discussion. Whereas 30 and up are not necessarily old, you’re not a boy.
20. If you’re 30-something, and won’t have anything to do with anyone over the age of 23, welcome to your midlife crisis. Talk to me when you grow up again.
21. If you’re on gay.com and you sign up for a screen name, then for fuck’s sake take the time to fill in the profile.
22. If somebody bothers to take the time to write a profile the least you can do is both READ it and RESPECT it. If it says he’s not interested in your type/age/race/whatever, don’t assume you’re going to be the exception. Chatting up somebody who made it clear he wasn’t interested in you before he even knew who you were just makes you look dumb (or illiterate).
23. If you’re gay, then ‘straight acting‘ should be nowhere near your profile. That phrase is the most homophobic phrase I’ve ever heard. You’re not straight acting. You’re masculine. Maybe it’s semantics, but honey, you’re NOT straight acting. You’re gay acting. You’re gayer than a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day float. Straight men don’t suck cock.
24. Darling?  If you’re sucking cock?  You’re sooooooooo not straight.  As said in the previous rule, straight men do NOT suck dick.
25. Don’t assume that just because a guy looks like a bear that that is all he’s attracted to. Don’t bash furry guys just because you choose to shave your body.
26. Just because not everyone feels the need (or can afford) to go to a gym, that doesn’t make them bad people. Enjoy the gym body you’re dedicated to now. You won’t have it later.
27. Stop moralizing. Just because YOU don’t happen to say that you’re looking for sex, don’t bash people who are honest enough to understand what most chatrooms in this day and age are for.
28. On the other side of things, though, if you’re looking for sex and someone is just looking to chat, rein in that pissiness, princess.  Not everyone lets his libido rule him.
29. If you feel the need to list your waist, chest and arm sizes in your profile, you should be dating a mirror, not a man.
30. Don’t tell someone they’re disgusting and should lose weight or go to a gym or shave their body, just because you aren’t attracted to the type. Someone else will be. Don’t try to think of it as fat and hairy. Think of it as teddy bear cuddly.
31. If you’re sending someone a private message/IM/email/whatever just to bash them, don’t bother. Take a good long look at yourself and figure out WHY you’re about to be such a prick.
32. ‘Looking for Buds’ is just another way of saying people I can have sex with.
33. ‘Friendship Only’, especially if you have nothing but shirtless and/or naked pix in your profile, is just another way of saying that I am cheating on my husband and am willing to have wild animal sex with you as long as you don’t tell anyone.
34. Top, Bottom or Versatile doesn’t matter… either way… pointy end goes into the man.
35. A picture is worth a thousand words unless one of those words is ‘ugly’.
36. If you chat in all caps or have bad english you are disqualified.
37. Most of the time when people type LOL, they are not actually laughing out loud.
38. If you are looking for perfect, shop in person… not online.
39. Yes, for the last time yes, this is the place that used to have the blue couches. If you can’t remember your tricks by their face, maybe you should STOP FUCKING AROUND.
40. A picture of just your tits and abs will only get you ignored. C’mon people, show us what you want to see.
41. If we say on line we are just looking for a blowjob, we mean just that. We don’t care what your name is, what you do for a living and we certainly don’t care about your toe sucking fetish. Suck my dick, then hand me a warm towel and a diet pepsi and get out.
42. “Massage” != “fuck”. Say what you mean.  If you want to fuck someone, say it. Don’t hide it behind your “CMT” title.
43. “A&F Bear” is an oxymoron. Why are you giving money to a company that actively works against people like you? HELLO! Why not just call yourself ‘self-loathing bear’ and get it over with?
44. For the love of fuckin’ CHRIST!  It’s spelled VERSATILE.  ’Versital’ is NOT a word!
45. Also, learn the difference between ‘discreet’ and ‘discrete’. They have VERY different meanings. If you’re fucking around behind your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s/husband’s/wife’s back, then you want the former, not the latter.
46. Versatile means you like to do both, not that you have issues with admitting you are a bottom. After I’ve fucked you for the 10th time and you haven’t fucked me once, I’m gonna get pissed off.
47. If you’re chatting with someone and you keep hitting on them and they keep giving you monosyllabic answers (that’s ‘short words’, for those of you giving me a blank look), that probably means that they’re not interested. Bow out gracefully.  Say goodbye.
48. Just because a guy isn’t into your race doesn’t mean he’s a racist.  It’s means he has preferences. (Yes, I know this seems somewhat contradictory to some of the age rules.  How many people do you know who make sense all the time?)
49. If you’re gonna call someone a racist because they won’t date/fuck/chat with someone of your race, you damn well better call the guys who will ONLY date your race racists, too, even if they’re not of your race. White guys who won’t even talk to someone unless they’re Asian are still racist.
50. If you have a boyfriend/partner/significant other, say so in your profile. Many of us don’t want to be your little something on the side. Respect our wishes to not be involved.
51. Congratulations on your recent (or not so recent) coupling. It’s a good thing, really.  Spouting off in your profile about how he’s the man of your dreams and you’re sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy and couldn’t be happier, and ‘Sorry, guys, I’m off the market’ and all that crap just makes you look insecure about the relationship.
52. You know what turns guys on more than your chest hair/leather/A&F faux Hawk/ethnic background/whatever? Intelligence.  Brains.  Being able to string an entire sentence together.  And if you’re wondering, ‘what r u n2′ is not a sentence.  Learn to type those extra seven letters and drop the ’2′.  Add the question mark, and you look like you’re a grown-up!  YAY!
53. ThIs KiNd Of TyPiNg MaKeS yOu LoOk LiKe A fLiPpIn’ IdIoT. KNOCK IT OFF.
54. The ‘I don’t bite unless you want me to’ line?  Old.  Tired. Not funny. Everyone says it. Stop.
55. Just because I’m willing to chat with you doesn’t mean I’m in love with you. It means I’m friendly and feeling conversational. I’m not going to move across the country to be your boy on the basis of two pictures and a “hello”.
56. Anyone else tired of hearing ‘swimmer’s build’? Hello, ever seen a manatee?  Or any kind of whale?  They have swimmer’s builds, too.  So does a polar bear, for that matter.
57. Typing in emoticons and smiley faces does not constitute a conversation.
58. Make sure that you’re speaking the same language as the person with whom you would like to chat. I speak English.  I don’t speak Ghetto or Leet. While at times, I can translate, it hurts my brain to do so.
59. Please, for the love of all that is holy, don’t call it a “boy pussy” or “man pussy.” It is also not a “mangina.”  I don’t care what Margaret Cho says.  Ew. It’s an asshole, not a vagina. Enjoy using it in any way you like, but call it what it is.
60. 250 pounds isn’t a medium build for anyone, not even if you’re 7 feet tall. Seriously.  Be honest with yourself in your profile. We’re not usually blind.  We’ll probably be cranky if you lie.
61. In relation to the previous rule, don’t expect that if you lie and then make the trek alllllllll the way to where we live that we’ll feel sorry for you and do a pity fuck.  Some of us will.  Most of us will close the door and go back to watching Deisgning Women on Lifetime.
62. You are not an athlete unless you’re getting paid for it, or are doing it as a major part of your life.  Going to the gym every day doesn’t make you an athlete. It makes you body conscious.
63. If you’re going to a gym to meet guys, it doesn’t even make you body conscious. It makes you… well, slutty and stupid.  You see those heavy round things or those torture device-looking things?  Those are why you’re there. Try working out more. Even though it’s called a ‘health club’, just hanging out there doesn’t equal working out.  You’re not going to get in shape by osmosis.
64. Okay, seriously.  They’re hook-up sites.  It’s not Wheel of Fortune. I don’t need to buy a vowel or guess a letter for fabulous cash and prizes. You don’t want to f**k, s*ck c**k, or like p***ers; you want to fuck, suck cock and like poppers.  Really, it’s okay to use your Grown Up Words.  Especially when everyone else is looking for sex, too, and a lot of people on there aren’t sure how to spell certain things, anyway.
65. You may be a dom, but you are not my dom, so don’t act surprised when I don’t immediately do what you tell me to do after calling me Boy.  I decide who can give me orders, not you.
66. As a gay man in this day and age, two of the most important things to learn are how to take a compliment and how to say ‘thank you’. When you take the time to turn your body into whatever it is you want it to look like, and someone tells you that you’ve achieved that attractiveness, don’t get all butt-sore if they get a little … shall we say, vulgar about it. ‘OMFG YOUR HOT’ (yes, the spelling is on purpose, as is the all-caps) might seem a little offensive, but really, think about what they’re saying:  Mission Accomplished. Say ‘thank you’. Be gracious.  Don’t be a prima donna. However, ‘thank you’ goes much further than that. It works in all sorts of situations.  Try saying it when you buy your overpriced hair care products, your label-queen GOTTA HAVE OMG CAN’T LOOK LIKE A HOBO! clothing, your shi-shi lunches. You’ll be surprised at what doors it’ll open.
67. If you decide to grow facial hair and stop shaving your chest and get a little belly on you, don’t get all bitchy squeally prima donna if bears start hitting on you. Get over yourselves.  You’re on Bear Turf now. If you don’t like it, shave.
68. Yes, we know you prefer guys who are fit and 18-29. Guess what! Not everyone is. And at 46, you’re going to have to change your preferences. Nobody is saying to lower your standards. We’re saying grow up.
69. If you’ve got a profile listed on a bear site that includes “no fats” or “other muscle only” or “no bears” (really? Yeah, I’ve seen it), um, that makes you a hairy twink. Go back to the twink sites.

The Jason Addendum

Should you actually make it to your goal and find a hook-up, try to keep these things in mind:

1. For god sakes, take a fuckin’ shower.  This is not too much to ask.  I know some guys are into smells and stuff, but I am clean bear so please keep your fucking stink to yourself.  And if you know I am going to stick my tongue in your ass, do an extra good job.  Funk tastes good on no one.
2. Be a good bottom and clean up.  I won’t go into specifics here but if someone is gonna stick something up there, make sure you have dropped all the Cosby’s off at the pool and cleaned out.  No one wants to hear “eww… gross.” during sex.  And don’t think I won’t utter those words if you aren’t properly prepared.
3. Be a gracious host. If someone drives all the way over to your place the least you can do is offer them a towel or a shower after you jizz all over them.  Kleenex is so not OK.  A warm towel and Diet Pepsi would make you my God.
4. Do what you have discussed.  I am all for being spontaneous but if you spend an hour on messenger with me detailing out what you would like to do, please do not do something completely different.  It is annoying and ruins the mood that was set.
5. Be what you say you are #1. If you say you are top, please be one.  It is so fucking annoying when you are with a “top” and then one touch on the ass and thier legs fly up so fast they could knock a bulb out of your chandellier.
6. Be what you say you are #2.  I have no problems with age or size.  I like all types.  But so help me God, if you lie to me and I get there and you are no where near your age or description, I will call you a liar to your face, point out the thing you lied about and leave pissed.
7. Be a good partner.  Just because you are done doesn’t mean the game is over.  If you are one of those guys that cum in 14 seconds, make sure the other guy cums first.  If you cum first, put in some effort you lazy sack of shit.  Otherwise I will tell everyone I know, when pointing you out in the bar, that you are Bad-Sex-Guy.
8. We all know shit comes up.  If you change your mind, run into traffic, can’t make it, get lost, run out of time or think I am a troll – all I ask is that you message me or give me a ring on the cell.  Nothing is worse than those who just plainly flake.  There is no excuse for a no show.  And don’t think for one minute I would have any shame whatsoever of going back in that chat room and letting everyone know what a loser flake you are.
9. Pay attention. Guys will give you signals when things feel good.  Listen for them.  This is how you tell they are doing it like they like it.  Unless you want to get lock jaw I suggest you listen up.
10. Courteous Safety: Everyone has a different level of safety they are comfortable with.  Some don’t do safety at all.  I am not here to judge.  BUT, please do not assume that unsafe is OK.  Ask first or assume safety is the only way.  There is nothing more rude than someone who just backs up onto it without warning.  Or blows in your mouth without even a moan as a sign it’s cumming (pun intended).  Be courteous to your partner in the one realm that matters most.  Rules and lines should be discusses before hand if you have any doubt what they are.

The Jason and Teddy Corollary

Some basic rules about men in general:

1. Men do not change, they only appear different. Meaning if he says he will change for you he is just lying with good intentions.  Men have no idea what their patterns are or how they act.  They will change until your back is turned and then go right back to the way they were.  Though the effort is nice, it isn’t going to be permanent.  They may not resume thier ways tomorrow, but trust me down the road they will.  Just accept what is hard-wired or press on.
2. No matter how perfect a man seems, at one time there was another man/woman out there who was sick of his shit. No man is perfect.  Remember that when you feel this stong enotion and they look like an angel it is just a matter of time before they get on your nerves in one way or another.  Do not give up everything you have for a man because he seems perfect.  Aint no man perfect and eventually they will all annoy you.
3. Sometimes you just have to be a bitch. You can’t please everyone all the time.  Sometimes it just takes a bitch to get the point nailed in to thier thick skulls.  Remember men are stupid and sometimes the only way to get your point across is to get your claws out and do some scratching.  Thier wounds will heal, but you may be stuck with that headache forever unless you do something.

Phil’s Gay Cruise Dick Deck-tiquette

1. When you ask me to leave the dick deck and come to your room and I say sorry not looking for an all-nighter, don’t get all huffy and tell me I’m in the wrong place. Ummm… dick deck is for a quick hit and run isn’t it?
2. You are not a pig at a trough. I’ve watched you, every time a couple (or trio or ummm 4-o) start a bit of play, there you are, on your knees pushing and shoving your way in to the middle of things. Pushing others out of the way is rude and honestly if I haven’t invited you to the trough I’m not gonna just stand by and let you go to town feeding.
3. Don’t get pissy when I stop you from going down on me… don’t worry, there are plenty of others who will happily enjoy being the 57th cock you’ve had in your mouth and feel honored that you want *them* (he likes me he really likes me). I’m not one of them tho…
4. Don’t put lube on my ass. Some guys are into it but honestly if I’m in quickie central I do not want to have to schlep around the rest of the time with a greasy asshole. Plus now everyone thinks I want to be plowed and I have to explain, noooooo, some dickwad reached around and put lube on my ass when he was sucking me and no I’m not going to bend over for you here despite my apparent ret-to-go lube-y butthole
5. Seriously! Mouthwash and breath mints are your friends, use them please. Bad breath is a boner killer.
6. Telling me that you have 3 loads in your ass and you want me to be the fourth is *not* particularly endearing or likely to entice me to play with you. Nor is saying, oh, I get it, you need to get fucked instead… no, I don’t, I said no to both your front and back sides, thank you. Be a man and move along.
7. I understand someone has to make the first move, if you make first grope and I am not interested I will politely pull your arm away softly with a little pat and say no thanks. That is it, don’t grope me again. The second time I have to pull your hand off me I won’t be as nice about it and if you go in for a 3rd time I’m gonna tell you to fuck off, loudly. No means no, I’m not going to suddenly “forget” I told you I wasn’t interested 5 minutes ago.
8. When you are about to cum… jiminy cricket! would ya turn to the side so I don’t end up with it all over my shirt/pants/shoes. Do you think I have a laundromat readily available in my room to wash my clothes every day? I don’t want to groggily wake up, grab the nearest shirt, stumble my way up to breakfast and have everyone point out I have a Clinton on my shirt.
9. Drunken 3 am desperation is never pretty… go to bed.
10. Please please please, wash your hands and face after you leave dick deck and *before* you go to the lido buffet for chicken wings at 4 am. Really, I don’t want your “I know exactly where they’ve been” hands touching anything near food.

If you have another rule that you’d like to see added, then by all means, email me and tell me.